Jokes

General comments and topics relating to Giants.

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[TO]Semore
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Jokes

Post by [TO]Semore » Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:44 am

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,� said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?� he asks.

“Well,� his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.�

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?�


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ZOMG NEW JOKE
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People actually say this crap in court. (Geez)

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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AMG NEW JOKE
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If men ruled the world.

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Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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LOL NEW JOKE
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7 reasons not to mess with a child. Second to last one's the best.

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

* * *

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

* * *

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

* * *

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

* * *





The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.





"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer." or "There's Michael, he's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the

teacher... She's dead. "

* * *


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes." the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright, in the ordinary
position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

* * *

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun wrote a note and posted it on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Zopharks
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Post by Zopharks » Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:49 am

Is there really a need to break these up into sepperate posts?

[TO]Semore
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Post by [TO]Semore » Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:52 am

[NEO]Z0PharX wrote:Is there really a need to break these up into sepperate posts?
I think it lets people see one joke from the next easier. And if this is about post count: blow me. I don't give a sh**, delete all my old posts ffs. ^_^
[NEO]Z0PharX wrote:Triple posting = not generally appreciated on most forums :P

Yeah well I made up for it by editing this post to respond to your comment. =)
Last edited by [TO]Semore on Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Zopharks
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Post by Zopharks » Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:47 am

Triple posting = not generally appreciated on most forums :P

[TO]Semore
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Post by [TO]Semore » Thu Sep 22, 2005 12:41 am

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."




zop (or at least I'm guessing it was you), grow the fu** up and let there be a post for each joke, it's easier to read. FFS.

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Zopharks
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Post by Zopharks » Thu Sep 22, 2005 1:29 am

[TO]Semore wrote:zop (or at least I'm guessing it was you), grow the fu** up and let there be a post for each joke, it's easier to read. FFS.
Greetings Semore,
I've conducted an investigation regarding your claim that merging your extremely amusing and oh-so-original jokes into a single post makes it difficult to read and/or comprehend the aforementioned jokes. The results are extremely shocking:

Anyone with an IQ above five (5) should be able to read the post, and it's contents in their entirety without difficulty or fear of ill effect.

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Post by RichardMH » Thu Sep 22, 2005 10:27 am

..A 90-year-old man said to his doctor,..
hahaha, that was a nice one :P
If men ruled the world.
That sucks, worst thing Ive ever heard before..
7 reasons not to mess with a child. Second to last one's the best.
What is so funny about the second to the last one? 1, 2, 5 and the last one is really good ones :)

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Post by |AFTA|Yankee » Thu Sep 22, 2005 11:45 pm

Good joke tho semore...i like the lawyer ones (my bro is going to be a lawyer so i sent them to him ia month ago!!!): D

[TO]Semore
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Post by [TO]Semore » Fri Sep 23, 2005 2:00 am

They look better seperated... Go delete my other posts if that's what concerns you zop.

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Post by Zopharks » Fri Sep 23, 2005 2:28 am

For what is probably the fourth time...
I do not give a sh** about post counts. Try to comprehend, it may be difficult for you but please try. Do it for the children.

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Post by Devilinhell » Sat Sep 24, 2005 6:59 pm

As you can see ZopharX will never change..

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Post by [TO]Semore » Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:40 am

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

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Post by RichardMH » Mon Sep 26, 2005 2:52 am

nice :) (the wife part)

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Post by |AFTA|Yankee » Mon Sep 26, 2005 8:10 pm

The mayor's wife? wow! what a naughty little town! :!: lol :) :D

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Post by Trent » Wed Sep 28, 2005 1:47 am

lol, funny sh**! Everyone at work liked the one about the mayor's wife and the priest.

Here's a funny one I heard the other night:

A guy walks into a bar carrying a bowling bag. Bartender asks "what's in the bag?"

The guy opens it and pulls out a foot tall piano player complete with a little piano and stool. The foot tall piano player starts playing his little piano and the bartender asks "where the hell did you get him at?"

"I got a bottle with a genie in it," the guy replies "and if you give me a free beer, I'll let you make a wish." The bartender agrees.

The bartender rubs the bottle, and says "I wish I had a thousand bucks!" when the genie appears.

The bar is suddenly filled with a thousand ducks, all flying and quacking and attacking bar patrons!

Bartender yells "I think your genie is either drunk or defective, I didn't asks for god-damned ducks!"

The guy with the bowling bag says "Yeah, I know. Do you honestly think I asked for a foot long pianist?"

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